Kings Don't Cry
by Chari192
Summary: Based more on the movies than books, hopefully still good for a book purist. Caspian reflects on his life and all the recent happenings the night the Pevensies are sent back to our world. Includes Miraz, Peter, Susan, Aslan, Ramandu's Daughter and more


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Disclaimer: I own nothing. C.S. Lewis all the way baby!

**A/N **

**Um so yeah, this is my first fanfic. I find Caspian's life highly interesting. We see bits and pieces of his life in the Narnia books which are spread years apart and it gives the dreamer a lot of freedom to imagine. In my fanfics to come, should I write more in the future, I will probably write about Caspian. This story takes place just after PC, the night after the Pevensies are sent back to their world, it's more a movieverse than a bookverse.**

**Kings Don't Cry**

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I won the war. I defeated my uncle. He cannot harm me anymore. I am now in a position to bring peace between the Narnians and the Telmarines, something I have only dreamt about, back before my uncle informed me dreams were useless and told me how unfitting it was for a prince to keep his head up in the clouds. I have met face to face with the Great Lion. He Himself believes I am fit to rule this country.

So then, why won't these tears find their end?

If my uncle were here, he would tell me to stop this foolishness, accept what is and move on. Just the same way he did after my father died - after he murdered my father. I hated my uncle. All I ever wanted was to earn his approval. He constantly rejected every good thing I did. His words still echo in my mind.

_"You are an orphan, Caspian. I am not your father, nor do I wish do be. You are not my son and I will never love you as such. I consider myself a very unfortunate man, as I have lost my only brother, by no fault of mine, and am now reduced to your permanent babysitter. Do us both a favor boy: Never cross me. Keep to yourself and both of us will be a little less miserable."_

I remember all the times I did cross him. I was never good enough for him. I have the scars to prove it. Now that my uncle is gone and I am king, I will never have to worry about being flogged again. Oh, how I hated that man... I loved him. I loved him as a son would love his father and I hated him for not reciprocating the feeling. In this moment, I hate myself for missing the wretch. He is gone - along with my aunt and my new cousin. I will never see them again. I have no family.

I should feel victorious. Instead, I feel lonely. An emptiness gnaws inside me, begging to be filled. I am the most powerful man in Narnia, yet I am powerless to stop my own tears. I am powerless against the loneliness. I am powerless against these memories that keep flooding my mind, telling me I'm no good.

A voice keeps haunting me, telling me I will be the end of Narnia. I am still working to fully gain the trust of the Narnians. The Telmarines do not consider me a friend after the war. I cannot bring peace to this country. It would take a miracle from Aslan. I am powerless. I don't even have the Pevensies to guide me anymore.

_The Pevensies..._

They were the truest friends a man could know. I will admit I wasn't fond of Peter at first. He reminded me far too much of Uncle Miraz. One more person I could never please. Then I realized it wasn't me he hated, so much as the idea of losing Narnia. He didn't hate me at all. But Narnia was his before I was even born and he had seen the damage Telmarines had done to it. He feared I would treat it as carelessly as my forefathers had. He loved Narnia fiercely. That is what made him the High King and I greatly respect that.

He gave me his sword, Rhindon, this morning. He said that he and his siblings were no longer needed here. It was as though he was handing me his dear Narnia. He had the same look in his eye as a father giving his only daughter in marriage. _No longer needed. _I couldn't disagree more. But, for some unknown reason, this is Aslan's will and I won't fight it.

_Susan..._

She was perhaps the first girl to ever notice me in a romantic way and possibly the only person ever to like me for me and not for what I could do because I was a prince. I know Narnian history. I know the old tales and I'm aware I was not the first man she had ever taken a liking too. Yet it was nice to feel wanted, liked and maybe even loved, even if it was only for a week. She was right. It couldn't have worked. We belong in different worlds. I pray she is doing well in her own. I hope she finds a lover who will treat her as the queen she is. I know she will succeed in everything she does in her world and, Aslan willing, I will succeed in this world, but I still can't stop these blasted tears!

_Lucy and Edmund_

I am still in awe of those two. I realize that they are technically older than I but they are wiser than even the oldest among the Narnians. They were so accepting and willing to help. I miss them greatly. I hope to, one day, be as wise and valiant as they. I know for a fact that I will never see Peter or Susan again and it isn't likely I should ever see Edmund or Lucy, certainly not if it's going to be another 1300 years.

I have only one friend now. He is very old and I have been trying for the past few years to prepare myself, emotionally, for life without him. He has been with me through everything and I am not sure where I would be without him or what I will do when he is no more.

I hear a knock on the door. Blast these tears! No one should ever see me like this. Kings are not supposed to hurt like this! They aren't supposed to be this weak! I need to stop crying and compose myself enough to answer the door. I fail to do so despite all my effort. The best I can do is stifle the sobs with my pillow and get as quiet as possible. If I don't answer perhaps they will assume I am asleep and do not wish to be disturbed.

The knocking only becomes more persistent until finally the door opens. I know of only one person who would intrude on my personal space without permission. I am no longer worried about the intruder as he has seen me this way many times before and probably isn't all too shocked to find me this way again.

"My king," he says. "What troubles you?"

I manage to say a few words, "I do not wish to talk now, Professor Cornelius."

"My boy," said the professor, "if you wish me to understand you then first pull your head out of your pillow, please."

He waited while I sobbed until I could compose myself enough remove the pillow, sit up and say a few more words. "I've lost everything," I sob.

"No. Goodness no, dear Caspian! You have found your freedom. Why the tears?"

"I have lost so many! I cannot rule these people! I miss Susan and Peter and Lucy and Edmund and Mother and Father and Aunt Mia and Uncle Miraz and-"

"Miraz?" Cornelius was somewhere between shock, disgust and pity at the last name on my list. "Dear Caspian, have you forgotten how that beast tortured you? Do you not remember the countless times I bandaged your wounds up on the highest tower of the castle where your uncle could not see that _I_ was the one mending the damage _he_ had done. Your only comfort was wishing on the stars for a better life! Now you have it and-"

"I know. I am a fool! I should not miss him. I should not have cared about what happened to him, but he was my uncle. If his death didn't break my heart wouldn't that mean I had no heart at all? Wouldn't I be as cruel a man as he? I lost the only family I ever knew. I lost my dear friends, the Pevensies. I don't think I can handle any of this." The sobs had subsided for a moment but I could feel them returning. I felt arms around me. I buried my face in the professor's chest and wept. If any man had ever been a father to me it was this man.

"Oh Caspian... I am so, so sorry for all the pain you've been put through in your short life. You didn't deserve any of it, my king. You are not a fool, you are human - one of the most tender hearted I have ever met. I wish there were some magic words I could say, something I could do to ease your pain, but I have no cure for a wounded heart. You must look to Aslan for that."

"Aslan? Do you really believe He would care about my heart? As long as I do well as king I don't see why He would care much about me personally. He never intervened when my uncle was abusing me. He never stopped any of it. Perhaps I am too small to matter Him. I am the king of Narnia and I am overwhelmed. But Aslan is King of the entire world and beyond. I can only imagine the weight on His shoulders. I best not trouble Him with my problems."

The professor takes my hand and holds it to my neck. "Do you feel that, Caspian?"

"My pulse? Yes."

"That is proof then. Aslan has intervened and He does care about your life."

"Well yes, He needed me alive because He needed someone to rule Narnia and bring peace, but that doesn't mean He cares about me on a personal - Professor are you laughing at me?" I wait for him to explain the reasoning behind this low chuckle in my hour of need.

"Not at _you_, my king, at your silly notion that Aslan _needs _anyone or anything. All of Narnia was created for Aslan's good pleasure, not because He was needy by any stretch. Aslan created you for such a time as this, Caspian. Had you failed to rise to the occasion, you would've missed your calling and _you _would be the one who had lost something. Aslan can always find or make someone else willing to take your place in His plan. Aslan doesn't need you. _You_ need _Him_.

"But He chose _you_, Caspian. He wants _you. _He loves _you. _The things you have been through are terrible, but Aslan used them to make you the man you are today. You know how to press on through anything. Trust Aslan, my boy, and you will be unstoppable. I know you feel weak and abandoned. That is normal. But in your weakness trust in His strength. He will never fail you. That is all the advice I can offer you."

"Thank you, Professor," I sniff. "You have been a great help to me."

With that said, the professor leaves and I am, once again, alone with my thoughts. I am still sad. I cannot fathom Someone so great as Aslan actually caring about something so small and meaningless as my life.

I go up to the highest tower in the castle to think and to gaze at the stars. I can always find some sort of peace here. I don't know what it is about the stars that calms me so, but it does every time. There is something magic and mysterious about them. I have wondered since I was a child if they were alive and if so were they gazing back at me? I find enough peace to fall asleep up here under the stars.

Some time later, I awake, or dream I awake, to a Lion who lay beside me. It is Aslan! He nuzzles my face gently. "I love you, Caspian," He says with the most tender voice I have ever heard.

"I love you too, Aslan," I say, wrapping my arms around Him and burying my face in His Mane. "Please, don't leave me."

He gives me a Lion kiss. "My child, I have never left you and I never will. Don't ever forget that. I love you beyond what any human can fathom. You are Mine and you always will be. Know that you are never alone. Trust in Me. I will mend you in time. Do not fear. I am the cure for your wounded heart."

I am overcome by a different sort of emotion. I have never felt so loved in all my life. I bury my face in His Mane once again and weep. They are tears of joy this time. "Thank YOU!" is all I can say.

Somewhere in the heavens a star gazed down at the Great Lion and the king of Narnia. She could only be here a few nights before she exhausted herself, as she was only half star. When she was here she chose to spend her time gazing down at Narnia, for there was one person in that land who was of particular interest to her.

"Three more years," she said, "and I will be part of your mending, dear king."

She longed for the day when they would meet. In Aslan's time, they would.

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**The end! You survived my first fanfic. Comments and reviews are nice. Thank you for your time! :)**


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